


The cost of living.

by Rogue1987



Category: Band of Brothers, Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Boats and Ships, Canon Disabled Character, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt, World War II
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2018-11-22 09:51:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11377740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rogue1987/pseuds/Rogue1987
Summary: After he loses his squad while defending the bridge, Richard Reiben, Timothy Upham and James Ryan get send home.During the long sea voyage to the States they meet two new friends, who will help them to finally achieve some common ground between them.





	1. Hiya kid.

**Author's Note:**

> Now I've been wanting to write something about Saving private Ryan for ages. I love Reiben/Ryan and I like to think that when Ryan got send home, he insisted that Upham and Reiben would get a pass to go back as well. 
> 
> Due to their PTSD and the things they suffered through. I know it's not realistic but not much in SPR was and this is my own creation so it can be whatever I want it to be. 
> 
> So in this timeline Bill and Joe got their legs blown off at Carentan, otherwise they can never be on the same boat as them. 
> 
> I just wanted to write something on Saving private Ryan and felt the need to include Joe and Bill in it too, because I love them so much.
> 
> This will be a few chapters long and I will include some more angst, and eventually fluff ( maybe even smut ).

_Somewhere on the Atlantic. September 1944._

 

 

 

''Hey kid, can ya pass me the sugar?'' Richard Reiben jumped up startled out of his daydreams. He had thought he had been early to the mess hall for a disgusting cup of Joe but this guy apparently couldn't sleep much either.

The cooks were still wandering around in the kitchen, preparing their stale, worthless breakfast but Richard had managed to convince them to make him a pot of coffee as a cure to another dreamless night.

Whenever he shut his eyes he was haunted by the ghosts of his friends. Two nights ago it had been Wade who came out to play, whispering in his ears. Telling him that he wanted to go home, to his momma. The night before that it had been Jackson and Caparzo.

The guy talking to him was sitting in a wheelchair and looked positively horrible.

He was missing his right leg, had dark circles under his brown eyes and holes in his clothing. A little puddle of blood leaked from his arm. Richard was gaping at him for so long that the soldier rolled his eyes at him. ''You're not _deaf_ are ya?''

''N-no, I ain't deaf. Did you-did you tore out your IV?'' he asked, involuntarily impressed by that.

''Damn right I did, those cute nurses thought they could hold me captive in that hellhole. Not on my watch.  
I tore out my IV and paid off a group of Marines to help roll me down. I couldn't sleep so thought I'd get down here, shoot the shit. I already got a cup, I just need the Joe and some sugar. You gonna help me out or do I have to pay you for it as well,''

''Nah, here let me get you some,'' Richard took the cup from the soldier's hand and filled it. The idea of a crippled soldier paying some jackass marines for their help affronted him. What sort of a soldier would accept money from a wounded man in exchange for some assistance? ''How many sugars you want?''

''Two cubes,''  
Richard obliged and handed the stranger his cup. ''Thanks man, I'm Bill Guarnere. Who are you?''

''Richard Reiben,'' he told him as he shook Bill Guarnere's hand. It was calloused and cold, yet the grip firm and strong.

''Good to meet ya Reiben. So what's your unit?''  
''I'm an army guy. Second rangers to be precise,''

''Not bad, I was in the 101st airborne. Until this happened,'' he said with a grim look at his missing limb, ''but _you_ don't seem hurt, so why are you rotating home?''

Richard exhaled deep. This was not a conversation he would be having today. Not with a total stranger. ''Sorry but that's a _really_ long-personal story,''

''Yeah, one you don't like to tell people,''

Richard's eyes narrowed. This man was not to be underestimated. He read people quicker than anyone he had ever met. And Richard wasn't bad at that himself. ''Look no offense but it's kind of a-hard story to tell if you get what I mean,''

''Of course I get it, you think my leg just _magically_ fell off? We all have painful stories on this fucking ship. We're all injured, in a way. I lost my leg as I tried to save my buddy Joe. He's here too, still in the infirmary. Are you from Brooklyn?'' he suddenly wanted to know.

Richard was perplexed. ''Yeah actually, how did you-''

''Know? I got some family there so I recognize your accent. I'm from South Philly,''  
Richard felt a jab tearing a whole in his gut. ''Oh, so was my sergeant. Mike,''

''No shit?''

''Yeah, he was a great guy. He and I argued _all_ the fucking time, hell we could debate the color of the sky, but he was my friend regardless of the shit he said to me. Or the time he put a gun to my face and threatened to shoot me in my big goddamn mouth if I didn't shut up,'' Richard felt himself being stuck between fond emotion and sheer pain.

Guarnere grinned. ''You're shitting me? He sounds like one of the looeys I know. But you actually got off lucky, good ol' lieutenant Speirs allegedly shot a sergeant in his own platoon,''

''You're fucking with me!''

''Nu-uh. But judging from the look on your face just now, I take it that sergeant Mike didn't make it back home,''  
Richard cringed. ''Jesus you are direct ain't you?''

''Guilty as charged,''

There was something about Bill that made Richard feel like he could tell him anything. He had a certain appeal, a certain trustworthiness and effortless balance over him that not many people had. He was a confident, keen man. He reminded Richard of Mike, in a way. So far they seemed pretty alike.

''Nah, Mike didn't make it home. Neither did anyone I served with. They're all gone now,''  
''I'm sorry,''

''I don't wanna talk about it,''

''Didn't ask you to-did I?''  
''You _did_ before,''

''Well I shouldn't have, happy now? I shouldn't be nosy, it's just in my nature to be curious,''

''Here take this,'' Richard reached over the table for the napkin dispenser and handed a few papers to Bill. ''You're bleeding is gettin worse,''

Bill stared at his arm and reluctantly accepted the paper towels. He pressed them with a small hiss to his open wound and focused his attention back to Richard. ''It's nothin,''

A small cluster of soldiers entered the mess hall, chatting about some hot nurse. Bill drank his coffee in silence and put the cup back behind his back. ''Can you take me back up or should I bribe some other soldiers to do it,''

''Nah I'll take you,'' Richard ensured him and he quickly gulped the last sips of the horrible coffee. He stepped behind the wheelchair and rolled Bill to the top deck where the infirmary was. ''Jeez no wonder you had to get away from this shit,'' he stated when the stink of death mangled with old blood met his nose.

Bill creased a triumphant. ''Right?''  
''Where is your bunk?''

''To the left, all the way at the end,''  
A couple of nurses walked pass them, rewarding Bill with furious looks but they said nothing. ''They just letting you off the hook like that?''

''Only because I sneak out every day, they learned long ago that telling me off only works counterproductive,''  
''You're a youngest child aren't ya?''

Bill smirked up at him. ''What gave it away?''  
''Just your charming, rebellious attitude. I only have one sister myself but my best friend had seven younger siblings so I know how they typically behave,''

''Well I'm the youngest of ten kids so I've always been a real hell raiser. Ma had no time to watch me, so I did whatever I wanted,''

A weary looking doctor blocked their path all of the sudden, his arms firmly set in his sides. Looking like an aggravated schoolteacher getting ready to chide his kid. Like captain Miller had apparently been. That was about the last profession Richard had ever imagined him to have as his day job.

''Sergeant Guarnere, I had _hoped_ after we set our terms yesterday that you might actually _obey_ them for once. But with you the rules apparently don't apply. So you leave me with little choice,''

''What will you do to me then doc? Huh? Throw me overboard?''

''No, but I will restrain you to your bed from now on. For your own safety,''

This statement clearly took Bill by surprise. Richard saw a flicker of fear in his eyes. ''You _can't_ do that! I'm not a crazy person! It's illegal to do that when the patient is not a psycho!''

''That may be so but you're a danger to yourself and your serious injuries. You lost a leg son, perhaps it's time you face that reality. Plus you lost a ton of blood and we could barely bring you back. You nearly died.  
And yet you ruin all our hard work each night when you rip out your IV and pressure your body to do things it's not even close to being ready for. You could pull out your stitches and bleed to death right here and now,''

''Doc, he can't help it,'' a faint voice whispered from the bed behind the doctor. ''He hates it here. He can't be confined to this place. It will kill him. Not the blood loss but staying coped up in here all day. If you don't let him out of here at least once a day he'll go crazy,''

''Joe shut your yap!'' Bill bristled angrily. This had to be the buddy that Bill lost his leg for, Richard mused.   
''No I won't! I owe you-''

''Look doc, would it be okay if I visited him a few times a day? To help keep him sane?'' Richard interfered.

The dark haired soldier in the other bed was lying on his back, he too was missing a leg. His chestnut eyes were keen and investigating though. He looked at indestructible as captain Miller had seemed. Like pure iron.

The doctor mused on that for a while as he conveyed Bill with a sharp gaze. ''I guess that might help, though I still feel we should restrain him to be sure he won't run off again,''

''That _won't_ be necessary doc, I promise,'' Bill begged, ''if I get more visitors I won't run off for my morning coffee anymore. He can come bring it to me every day if that's okay with you?''

Richard shrugged. ''Sure,'' he would do anything to get out of his cabin as long as possible. Spending most of his time with Ryan and Upham these past few weeks had been-difficult to digest.

Bill was content. ''See? Problem solved,''

''You can't seriously ask me to _trust_ you after you broke that trust every morning,''

''Maybe not but I am asking you to,''

''Trust is a precious commodity sergeant, it has to be earned. It doesn't come free, especially not once it's been broken so many times,''

''I get that, but all I'm asking ya for is one last chance. If I screw it up, you can lock me to the bed. Deal?''

The doctors eyes narrowed. ''All right, one final olive branch to you sergeant. You better not fail me or there'll be hell to pay. Now get back in that bed and take your medicine before I get your least favorite nurse to do it for you,''

Richard helped Bill back into his bunk and watched the nurse hook him up to a fresh IV. Bill was squirming and complaining all the way through the procedure.  
Joe was telling him to shut up and quit being a baby from time to time, something Bill stubbornly refused to do.

Richard introduced himself to Joe Toye by shaking his hand. His hands were even rougher than Bill's. He had probably done manual labor since he was young, Richard pondered. 

He decided to stick around for a bit, mostly because he didn't have anywhere else to go.

He couldn't take Upham's countless attempts of playing crabs anymore or Ryan's sulking amounts of guilt that caused him to burst into tears out of the blue every now and then. Upham futile tries to keep it light had failed miserably from day one.

Richard was fairly attached to their nerdy, intelligent corporal, but had to swallow down a bitter pill when Upham confessed to being responsible for Fish' dead one night after a half bottle of Scotch that Ryan had snatched from a group of drunk soldiers.  
If he had gotten his ammunition to Fish in time as he was suppose to, he would probably still be alive. But Upham had been frozen solid in fear and a Kraut had slipped past him, snuck up the stairs and killed Fish, as Upham sat downstairs crying helplessly, listening to Fish's fading screams as the life was being forced out of him.

After he had told Richard, he had fallen asleep and Richard had sworn to himself to never speak to Upham again. But the following morning when the poor kid woke up in their cabin, he had soiled his bed and thrown up all over his pillow.  
When he discovered it he wailed so uncontrollably that Richard acted automatically.  
He held the shaking corporal tight to his chest, seeing how he was the one Upham knew the longest and told him that he forgave him for what happened to Fish, even if it wasn't a hundred percent true. That Fish would have understood why he couldn't go up those stairs, knowing that Upham wasn't a combat soldier. 

Ryan however, now that was another matter entirely.

Richard wanted to loathe him. In fact he _had_ done so ever since he had been the main focus of their bullshit mission that had killed six of his closest friends in the process.  
But when he met Ryan he couldn't help but admire the guy. He refused to leave the last brothers he had behind to safe himself. He was brave and he proved himself resourceful in combat.

But to Richard he hadn't been worth the lives of six of his friends, even if it wasn't Ryan's fault that they were ordered to be out there looking for him.  
That hadn't been his choice. Rationally he knew that.  
And yet it felt as if their blood was sticking to Ryan's hands.

That wasn't fair of course, Richard knew that. In war nothing was.

The orders to retrieve him had come from command, Ryan had nothing to do with it. It wasn't his fault that he lost his three brothers. And yet he couldn't be around Ryan for too long without losing his temper.

He snapped at him all the time and they had a tendency to argue, which upset Upham in the process. Ryan's timidness annoyed Richard. At least Upham had loosened up to him in time, but Ryan always had a lot of restraint to them and mostly kept to himself. Some days Richard barely noticed his presence in the cabin, he was so silent. Other days he seemed to get off on rubbing Richard the wrong way, creating massive debates between them.

It could go so rough that Upham would literally retreat to his bunk, covering his ears while sobbing miserably. Whenever that happened they put their bickering on hold, comforted him until Upham left the cabin to allegedly meet up with some soldiers he met during the trip.

Neither Richard nor Ryan wanted to antagonize their one common friend. Upham was their designated peace keeper, in a weird, twisted way.

Maybe Richard argued so much with Ryan because he missed his brawls with Mike, or maybe he just despised him. Maybe both options were true.

''You stayin or goin?'' Bill asked when Richard had been so consumed by his own thoughts that he hadn't spoke in forever. ''What?''

''Not that Joe and I don't like having you over but we really should get some sleep. Our meds are kicking in,''

Richard checked his watch, fucking hell. It was only eight in the morning. The days lasted forever on this cursed ship. According to the captain, it was another week and a half until they would reach the States, seeing how they had to be on constant alert for submarines and underwater mines.  
They couldn't go the normal speed the ship was capable of, so the journey took twice as long. They had been on sea for a week and a half now and Richard was slowly and gradually losing his mind.

''Yeah, yeah I'm going. I'll come back after breakfast to check in on you guys okay? Can I get you anything? Books, food or something?''

He saw Bill and Joe exchanging looks. ''The nurses get us special food. But ummm we do like them comic books, the ones the cooks pass around in the kitchen. We would love to read those if ya can get your hands on them,'' Bill retorted, a sly smile on his lips.

''You're asking me to steal from the kitchen?''

Bill shrugged innocently. ''Those are your words Reiben, not mine. Technically,''

Richard eyed Joe, who clearly had no intentions of backing him up on this. Apparently Bill stole shit all the time. ''A'right, I'll see what I can do for you, but no promises, I'm not a very skilled thief,''

''No one is until they are,'' Bill hummed wisely. He winked at Richard and fished out a piece of paper from under his pillow and started scribbling. ''Thanks for the lift. See ya later Reiben,''

''Yeah, see you guys,'' Richard grinned.

With a heavy heart he made his way back to the lower deck. As he reached the mess hall he saw that most soldiers were already having their breakfast. It was crowded and stifling hot there as usual. He opened another button to loosen his plain brown uniform and stepped inside, looking for Upham and Ryan.

He found them at their regular table in the furthest corner of the hall. Upham was chewing on his simple, stale toast with butter and Ryan had made another futile attempt at the scrambled eggs, as he did every morning, but always shoved aside after one bite.

They were revolting. So hard and chewy that Ryan should have known better by now and yet each morning he had hope for something edible. To Richard, this said a lot about his slightly naive personality.

Upham was passing around coffee when his eye landed on Richard. ''Hey Reiben, saved you a seat,''

''Morning fellas,'' Richard mumbled absent minded, as he fell into the empty seat beside Ryan. Upham always did that, sitting on the one vacant spot near the wall, so that they were forced to sit close together. As if that made them like each other any more.

''Where have you been?'' Ryan inquired as he took another sip of his coffee and nearly chucked it back up. The coffee was undrinkable. ''None of your business Ryan, I'm gonna get some food,'' Richard snarled. He went to get four pieces of dry, hard toast, a brown banana and some vitamin pills they handed out to prevent deficiencies.

When he came back to their table he dug in his food as quick as he could. He ate out of sheer necessity, knowing that his body needed it to stay strong. But breakfast and dinner were the least favorite times of his day.  
There was no lunch, but the cooks placed the leftovers from breakfast in the kitchen so you could still grab something if you were truly hungry. None of them did. Richard had noticed that Upham was losing more weight lately and it bugged him.

He handed him the most beautiful apple he'd found and shoved it in his hands. ''Eat up, you're turning even skinnier than you already was when we boarded this hellhole,''

''He's got a point there,'' Ryan agreed, never looking up from his book.

Upham groaned aggravated. ''Oh great, the first time you _idiots_ actually agree on anything is when it concerns my weight. I don't see how that's any of your business,''

''It _is_ our business Upham. We can't have you dying on us, who else will prevent us from killing each other,'' Reiben said stoically. He felt Ryan's eyes burning a whole in the side of his face. He had made a habit out of avoiding those eyes, for they seemed to see too much. He didn't like the feeling it gave him when Ryan was staring at him.

Upham quivered slightly. His face was a pale mask of emotions. ''You shouldn't say shit like that. Not after-''

''He's got a point there,'' Ryan was merely teasing for once, Richard could tell by the salving tone in his voice. He put his book down and leaned in. ''So where did you go this morning?''

''Does 'not your business' mean something else in the state of Iowa or something? I thought I was being quite clear,''

''Why do you always have to make _everything_ so fucking difficult. It's just a simple question! Why can't you treat me like a normal human being for once! I get that you have issues with me over what happened to them, but I can't deal with you hating me anymore. You know what, you win! I'm moving to another cabin!''

Richard squeezed in his toast so hard that he turned it into crumbs. His anger was bubbling over and there was no stopping it now. ''Fine! Go then! Fuck off! We don't need you anyway!'' he screamed when Ryan had kicked his chair back and ran out to the upper deck.

Upham stayed put, looking more on edge than he had been during the combats they endured together. ''Upham?''

''You had to do that to him Reiben? Really? I'm so tired of being your unpaid babysitter. Well?'' Upham spat out when Richard didn't move. ''Are you going to go after him or what? You know you can't let him move to another cabin,''

''Why not? Might be nice and quiet without him,''

''Don't play stupid with me man, he has fucking PTSD. During his nightmares, who's the one person who can calm him down?  
Oh yeah right, not me but _you_. Not that he knows about it.  
He doesn't remember that you can act nice because he's unconscious when you treat him like a normal human being. He thinks you hate him. What would captain Miller think of how you're treating him right now? Hmmm? Or sergeant Horvath?''

At the sound of Mike's name, Richard lost it, he saw red. He reached across the table and punched Upham in his face, cracking his nose open. Blood came pouring out of his nostrils.

''Don't-you-dare-'' he choked out. Tears were welling up in his eyes at the sound of Mike's name. He couldn't deal with it. Upham using Mike against him to manipulate him into being nice to Ryan was over the line.

Usually when he punched someone who deserved it this felt much better. Today, Richard only felt shame when he gazed at Upham's sincerely shocked, broken face. Upham was looking at him as if he was a dog that had suddenly betrayed his trust and bit him.

''Upham, I'm- _fuck_...I'm sorry. I didn't mean-''

''Yes you did Reiben, you always mean everything you say or do,'' Upham said icily.

Richard had no arguments against that. He was right. Still, he needed to apologize. He couldn't afford to lose both of them in one day, he would have nothing left.

''Let me see that?'' he pleaded as he stretched his hand over the table to cradle Upham's face. Surprisingly Upham didn't stop him. Perhaps he was testing him. With Upham, who was exceedingly clever, everything was a test.  
Richard cautiously let his fingers dart over the cold nose, coming to the conclusion that he luckily hadn't broken it. ''It's not broken, here put some napkins to it. We need to get you to do infirmary for a bandage,''

''Okay, hey Reiben?''  
''Hmm?''

''You have PTSD too. Don't think I haven't noticed. You have horrible nightmares every night, which is why you always sneak off so early in the morning. You almost never sleep. You have to go after him,''

Richard blinked. ''Him?''

''Ryan, you can't afford it to lose more people. Go find him, I'll go to the doctor myself. You need to fix this now, before it's too late,''

''And what do I say to him?''

''Tell him that you know how he's feeling. That he's not alone, that you don't hate him. I don't know, make up something yourself. But you have to _mean_ it, he will know when you're lying. He's good at that.  
Look, you're a good person, I know that. Deep down, maybe so does he. But you don't show it to him. I get why it's hard for you to be around him while all your friends rest in the dirt, but it's not his fault. Not really. Just be a human being to him for once. Plus, if you keep fighting like that, I'm gonna need another cabin for you two are giving me a raging headache with it,'' Upham chided. His fingers were draped with blood, but Richard could tell that his nose had already stopped bleeding. It wouldn't be too bad luckily.

''Fine, I'll go find him. Any ideas on where to look?''

''No, but you do,'' Upham said cryptically.

''I really don't,''

''Yeah, you do. I know you gotta brain somewhere in there Reiben, why don't you use it for once,''

Richard sighed deep, knowing when to admit defeat. ''All right, I'm going. He turned around, but right before we left gazed back at Upham. ''We okay?''  
Upham rolled his eyes at him. ''We'll be fine, but uh Reiben?''

''Yeah?''  
''You punch me again and I'll punch you back-got it?''

Richard grinned wide. ''Yeah I got it,''

He ran upstairs and went with his gut instinct, that told him he would be able to find Ryan on the top deck, staring out over the silence of the sea. He knew he loved the ocean because he always caught Ryan drawing pictures of it and multiple marine animals in his notebook.

At the furthest point overlooking the crashing waves below, he found Ryan, his trusted sketchbook missing from his hand. He probably left it back in the cabin. ''Ryan,'' he called out quietly.

''Go away-please,''

''I can't. I'm sorry. We need to settle this shit first,''

''Nah we don't, because Upham sent you here. You're not here because you're genuinely _sorry_ for how you treated me, you're here because he manipulated you into it. If you genuinely want to apologize to me then fine, but whatever you'll say to me now will be fake, so I like you to go away now,'' Ryan said hotly. His blue eyes were liquid pools of wild, treacherous sea. He wasn't shitting around. That much was for sure. Richard nearly left, due to Ryan's terrifying gazes.

No, he had to be brave. Mike would have wanted him to be.  

Richard heard the words leave his mouth before he could stop them. ''Okay let me tell you two things about me that you don't know, but are true regardless.  
One, I'm the one who holds you at night during and after your nightmares. _Me_ , not Upham.  
Only I can manage to calm you down. Why would I do that if I didn't care about you? Oh and two, I have nightmares every night too. I see my guys faces all the time. Even with my waking eyes. I'm fucking _scared_ to go to sleep, all right? There, happy now? Two things you never knew about me, but they're as real as you and me. I swear to god,''

Ryan patted his shoulder awkwardly, but stepped a bit closer to Richard so that their legs were briefly touching. ''Okay,''

''Okay?''

''Yeah, okay. We're good,''

Richard conveyed him, unbelieving. ''Just like that?''

''Just like that,''

''Uh okay, what are your plans for the rest of the day?''

''Hm I don't know, maybe write something to my mom. Why?''

''Well I met two interesting paratroopers this morning before breakfast. They're nice and I promised them to stop by in the infirmary, so I was thinking you and Upham might join me so we can play a card game with them or something. They are bored out of their minds so-''

Ryan cut him off by raising his hand. ''Yeah sounds great, I'll ask Upham to come along, he's been wanting to play cards with us for ages,''  
Richard smiled at him, the first sincere one in days. ''Okay, let's go then,''

It finally appeared as if he had actually reached some common ground with Ryan. He could only hope that they be on better terms soon.

 

 

 

 

 

_TBC......._


	2. The closer I get to you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill is on a fishing trip about what happened to the guys and Richard tells a secret to Ryan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update guys. 
> 
> I've had a massive case of writers block. I'm glad I finally published something at least. I hope you'll like it.

_Two days later._

 

 

 

''Hey Reiben, hang back a second will ya?'' Bill said after they had just finished another morning game of poker, once again won by Upham.  
Ever since they had been playing with Joe and Bill, Upham had won nearly all their games, much to Joe's annoyance who fancied himself quite the poker player but somehow kept on losing.

He even accused Upham of cheating a few times, but Richard knew that Upham would never do that so he took his side during one of those arguments.

As Upham and Ryan went back to their hut, Richard sat down in the chair beside the infirmary bunks and folded his arms together. ''What is it Bill?''

The sergeant's dark eyes were preening and narrow. ''Ya still haven't told me why you're rotating home. Are ya _ever_ going to?''  
Richard sighed deep. ''I told you that it's a long story and that I don't like to talk about it,''

''I know, too bad. Spill,''

Joe was laying in the bed beside Bill and Richard could tell that he was listening intently. He had put his comic book under his pillow and was resting his head under his folded arms. Richard had grown really fond of Joe, he didn't say much but what he said always made sense. He was funny, sturdy and always made sure everyone had everything they wanted. He was a caretaker.

So was Bill and yet he could only be described as... _different_. Complicated. Bill was a challenge. Richard liked him, because he was really funny, perceptive and had a heart of gold, but on the other hand, he grew incredibly tired of Bill sometimes. He never knew when to let anything slide.

''Why don't you ask Upham or Ryan what happened, they'll probably spill within seconds,'' Richard lied. He knew especially Ryan would never talk to strangers about what had happened on the bridge. How an entire squad had died save from two men to find him.

To Ryan it was something he was ashamed of, despite the fact that it wasn't his fault. After all, the order to come find him, hadn't come from him. He was in no way responsible for it. And yet he carried the burden of it with him everywhere he went.  
Every look he gave Richard was filled with apologies and guilt.

Bill shook his head firm. ''Nah they won't, besides they're not half as interesting as you are. They're more timid, easier to read. Timid _bores_ me. I want you to tell us,''

''Well a little birdie once told me that you can't always get what you want, so tough shit Bill,'' Richard retorted angrily.

Joe rasped. ''Just tell us Reiben, we're your friends now. We only want to know so we can help you with whatever it is that is haunting all three of you,''

''It's none of your fucking business, that's what it is,''  
''Why do ya always gotta make everything so damn _difficult_ Reiben?'' Bill chided, but his grin betrayed him.

''That's how I roll Bill,''  
''What about Ryan?''

Richard blinked confounded. ''What about him?''

''What's your problem with him. It's obvious that you two have issues, but he seems like a good kid. So why are you so angry with him?''

Richard swore under his breath. Wasn't there anything that Bill didn't see? It was like nothing was safe since he had met him. ''I'm not angry with him,'' he deflected.

''I didn't take ya for a liar Reiben. You're not good at it,''

''What are you, my mom? Why do you have to poke your nose into my damn business all the time? It's really starting to get on my fucking nerves,''

''He can't help it man, Bill is just wired to wanna help people out. Why do you think he was such a popular sergeant?'' Joe interrupted.

Richard sneered. ''Well right now I can't _imagine_ why. You can't tell me that your guys liked it when you stuck your nose where it didn't belong all the time,''

Bill smirked wide. ''They didn't, and yet they always told me everything. They weren't half as stubborn as you,''

Richard composed himself the best he knew how, but he was slowly losing his patience. ''Look, I told you that one day I'll tell you guys what happened to us. So I will. I always keep my word. I just don't wanna talk about it right now okay? Some cans of worms are better off sealed for now,''

''All right Reiben, whatevah you say,'' Bill mused, as he lit another smoke.  
''I'm going back downstairs,''

''Say hi to ya guys for me will ya. See ya after dinner,'' it almost sounded like a plea.

Richard stared at his new friends, laying there helplessly all day, with nothing to do, each missing a leg. He didn't have the heart to say no to them. Not in their current condition.  
Plus he liked Bill and Joe. As long as they weren't too nosy. ''Yeah you will,'' he retorted with a small smile.

He winked at them and made his way back to the lower deck. He found Ryan at his regular spot on the front bow of the boat, overlooking the waves, probably dreaming of home. Upham would be in their cabin, writing something on his typewriter or reading a book. It was another dreary day at sea and judging by the dark clouds above them, it would rain soon. 

''Hey,'' Richard said as he slid besides Ryan and tabbed his boot against his. ''Hey,'' Ryan's voice told him that his mind was far too preoccupied to have a real conversation. Ryan tended to be absent minded and was always walking with his head in the clouds, bumping against everything because he was so distracted to pay attention to real life. His entire body was always covered in bruises. How he had made it through jump school was beyond Richard's understanding.

''You okay?'' Richard wanted to know. ''Yeah fine, you?''  
''I'm good,''

''What did they want from you?''

''Oh nothing, Bill was fishing about how we got here again, as usual. I didn't tell him anything,'' he added when he saw Ryan's concerned face.

''Good,''

''Look man, you've got to stop this shit,''  
''Stop _what_ shit Reiben?''

''Sulking. Your guilt is driving me and Upham insane. You have to let it go man, they're dead and it's horrible, but nothing about it is your fault,''

''That's the point!!!'' Ryan bursted out, screaming as his face turned crimson. ''It's not my fault they came looking for me and they died anyway! Why would you think that would make me feel any better!!! They're _dead_ Reiben! Dead. Gone. To get me back home to my mom.  
None of this is fucking fair, none of it's right. I never wanted anyone to die for me,''

Richard hesitated whether to put his hand on Ryan's forearm, at the last second he decided not to do it. ''I know that,''

''Do you? I know you still blame me for their deaths,''  
''I never said-''

''You didn't have to. It's all over your face. I know you hate me,'' Ryan exclaimed, panting deep. ''You wanted your friends to make it through and instead you got stuck with me. Don't deny it. I know you wish it was me lying dead in the soil instead of them,''

''That's bullshit,'' Richard argued weak, but he knew that deep down, Ryan had a point. He didn't hate him though, but he couldn't deny the feeling in his gut when he looked at Ryan. The feeling of wonder why he had sacrificed so much to get one guy back to the States.

He knew rationally that if they hadn't gone out to find Ryan, his squad might still be dead, seeing how they were the tip of the spear going into Normandy.  
Rangers lead the way and they lost tons of guys everyday. But maybe, just maybe, Mike would have still been alive if they hadn't been sent out to retrieve Ryan.

Richard inhaled loud. ''Look Ryan, I don't hate you okay. Let's make that clear. You were worth saving all right, for what it's worth.  
We met another Ryan along the way and he was just another limp dick asshole. He was weak and pathetic. You're not. I know my guys had a lot of respect for you, wanting to stick around to guard that bridge when you had a chance to run from it. Not a lot of men would do the same.  
Captain Miller had faith in you.  
That a lot of us died on the bridge is a shame, but your guys died there too. Not just mine. You lost your brothers there too, that's just war. I'm not mad at you for what happened to my guys. You gotta realize that my anger ain't all about you,''

''Then what's it about?'' Ryan asked tentatively, as he stepped a bit closer to Richard so that their arms were touching.

''I can't-''

''You can trust me. You saved me life after all. If you hadn't pulled me away from the tank I would be dead right now. I never thanked you for that haven't I?'' Ryan asked and Richard shook his head. ''You didn't have to, I was just protecting the package,''

''You risked your life for mine. That means something to me. Thank you for having my back. I owe you one, and I would never betray you. You can tell me what it is that's eating you alive,''

Richard swallowed thick. He was not actually considering coming clean to Ryan was he? No he couldn't go there, it would get him in trouble. ''I shouldn't, it's not-normal,''

''So what? You ain't _normal_ anyway,'' Ryan shrugged.

''Good point, well if I tell you, you can't tell anyone else. Not even Upham,''

''I won't tell a soul. I promise,''  
And the crazy thing was, Richard actually believed him. Had faith that he could spill his beans with Ryan. How had that happened? Maybe the weight of his secret was just pulling him down like an anchor, driving him insane. He had to tell someone.

''I don't like girls,'' he blurted out before he could stop himself. Goddamn it, he had to learn to keep a lid on his big mouth someday. Ryan blinked twice, looking not nearly as shocked as Richard had expected. ''Oh-okay,''

''Yeah,''

''I uh-did you ever-you know-with a man?'' Ryan stammered clumsily.

Richard couldn't help but smile at his endearing behavior. ''Yeah I did,''  
Ryan conveyed him cautiously. ''With sergeant Horvath?''

''How did you-''

''Know? Well you two weren't the only guys who turned to each other for sex let me tell you that. Some of the guys in my squad messed around too. Lack of sex drove them into each other's arms apparently. It's not that big of a deal, not to me,''

Richard couldn't help himself, his curiosity awoken now. ''Did you ever-you know?'  
Ryan smirked. ''Wouldn't you like to know?''

''I would, that's why I was asking,''  
Ryan eyed him mysteriously. ''Nah, then again I never been with anyone yet so-''

''Wait, you never had sex?''  
''Nope, I'm only twenty-one Reiben,''

Richard had to clench his jaw to prevent him from laughing at Ryan, something that wouldn't be good for their relationship. ''Uh okay, I guess,''

''Figured I could tell you, considering what you've just told me. Quid pro quo right?''  
''How did you know it was Mike?''

''Standard body language,'' Ryan said promptly, ''plus it was all over your face whenever me or Upham talked about him afterward. You really cared about him didn't you?''

Richard felt himself shrink and his stomach drop. ''Yeah I did,''

Ryan curled his long fingers around Richard's forearm and held onto his sleeve tight. ''I'm sorry for what happened to him,''

''Me too,'' Richard choked out, as he struggled against his tears. Fucking hell. He was going to die from all his residual grief.  
He had held this in so long, pretended so hard that none of it had ever happened that at the moment it was threatening to drown him. Swallow him whole. ''I'm going back inside, see what's new with Upham,''

''Wait,'' Ryan clamped onto this arm, holding it tight. Richard felt the warmth of his fingers reaching him through his shirt. He shivered. Ryan exhaled loud. ''I'm glad you told me. It means something to me. To know why you're so angry all the time. To realize that I'm not the whole reason for it. To me that matters,''

Richard nodded, unable to speak for once. That didn't happen to him-ever.  
Ryan saw the tears shimmering in his eyes and leaned in a bit to hug Richard. The soft intensity in Ryan's blue eyes made Richard's stomach flutter with something he hadn't experienced before.

At that point it was all too much for him, Ryan coming closer with each growing second, the memories of Mike haunting him in the back of his mind. Ryan's hand was already on his shoulder when Richard finally regained his senses.

He had never reacted this fast in his life, he pulled back so that he was out of Ryan's reach, turned on his heels and ran. Like a coward.  
Richard ran as if the devil himself was chasing him.

The last thing he heard was Ryan crying out his name. Richard ignored him. He was an asshole. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_TBC....._


	3. Russian roulette.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard and Ryan have finally reached some common ground. 
> 
>  
> 
> They might even be friends now. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for staying away so long guys. I hope this chapter makes up for it. 
> 
> It has some severe PTSD in it and mild violence. Also a lot of angst. Because I love me some angst.

One day later.

 

 

 

 

_''You gonna shoot me over Ryan?''_

_''No I'm gonna shoot you cause I don't like ya!''_

_''You're not gonna shoot that son of a bitch Kraut but now you're gonna shoot me?''_

_''He's better than you,''_

_''Well then why don't you just do it sarge? Do it man! Put one in my leg and get me the hell-''_

_''I'm gonna shoot you in your big goddamn mouth!''_

_''Well put your money where your mouth is and do it then!''_

_''You don't know when to shut up, you don't know how to shut up,''_

_''Then do it, pull the trigger on me!''_

_''Don't tempt me, goddamn it, I will do it. I'll do it! Reiben you are a coward son of a bitch!''_

_Mike's anger felt so palpable, so vivid._  
_Richard was reliving their fight all over again. It was so dark, so cold around him. There was no warmth left in the sun. Mike was pointing the gun at him and screaming while Richard shouted back._

_Basically begged Mike to waste him. And Mike seemed so tempted to do it. To actually shoot him in his big fucking mouth. He could feel the hot waves of fury pulsing off Mike and landing onto him, shrinking him down until there wasn't much left of him. He knew why Mike had been so furious with him, Mike hadn't been angry that Richard wanted to leave the squad, he had been fuming that he had wanted to leave him. He remembered that fight all too well, and yet despite the threat, deep down he refused to believe that Mike would have ever shot him. Richard was his weakness and Mike was just a big Teddybear at heart._

_Suddenly the image shifted and he saw himself lying in Mike's arms after their make up fuck in the abandoned hotel in Ramelle before all hell broke loose. Mike could never stay angry with Richard for too long, not even after their intense fight where they nearly shot each other. He recalled Mike's persistent, desperate lips to his own, as he fucked Richard into the wall like there was no tomorrow, carrying him as Richard's legs were wrapped around Mike's waist. It had been the best sex of Richard's life, more intense, more real and filled with unsaid emotions than any previous time._

_Afterward, they listened to some horrible Edith Piaf song with Upham and Mellish and were joking around with each other like nothing had ever happened._

_The next thing he saw was himself dragging Mike off the bridge onto safety. He was limping and swearing in a way that was so typically him that it made Richard's eyes tear up._  
_He heard Captain Miller asking Mike if he was all right, desperately screaming his name while the gunfire dulled Richard's senses._  
_When Richard looked at Mike once again, he saw the life slip out of his eyes. He hadn't seen that when it actually happened, he had been preoccupied with shooting back at the Krauts across the bridge._

_He never got a chance to say goodbye to Mike. Besides, he never thought that Mike would actually die on him, not even when he saw that he was shot multiple times. Mike always seemed as indestructible like Captain Miller had._

_Richard didn't remember what the last thing was that Mike said to him, or that he said to Mike. It was probably when Mike wished him good luck before the battle, when he drove off on the rabbit tank._  
_Richard had told him that he didn't need it, he was born lucky. And apparently he was, because he had made it out of that battle and got himself a ticket home, thanks to Ryan._

A cold hand landed on his shoulder, shaking him hard. Richard woke up with a scream.

He was bathing in sweat and shivering badly. Ryan sat beside him on the bed, looking pensive and compassionate. His hand was still resting on Richard's clothed shoulder but he felt the cold of the fingers coming through his wife beater. From the soft snores he heard nearby he deduced that Upham was still sound asleep in the bunk to his right.

''You okay?'' Ryan asked. He handed Richard a canteen with stone cold water. Richard reluctantly took a few sips, feeling the iciness of the water hurt his teeth. ''No,'' was all he could say in reply.  
It was the truth. Before their conversation on the upper deck a day ago Richard would have never been so brutally honest with Ryan, but he trusted him more now. For the first time since he met him, he actually needed his support and not just Upham's.

''Little more,'' Ryan ordered when Richard wanted to place the canteen back on the nigh stand. He rolled his eyes at Ryan. ''Just do it. Water always helps,'' Ryan said stern.  
''You sound like my ma,'' Richard complained, but he took five more sips anyway.

Ryan rolled his eyes at him. ''Good job. Nightmare?''  
''Yeah,''

Ryan leaned in closer and whispered, ''Mike?''  
_''Yeah,''_

''Wanna talk about it?''  
''Not even a little bit,''

''Okay, do you wanna go get some fresh air? It might help, I don't suppose you're gonna be sleeping anytime soon anyway,'' Ryan suggested.  
''Yeah why not. I could use a smoke,''

''I said _fresh_ _air_ smartass,''

''Air is air Ryan,'' Richard hummed wisely, with a tiny ghost of a grin lingering on his lips.  
He grabbed his lucky strikes and followed Ryan to the top deck. The night sky was laced with stars and the moon was waxing beautifully. The sea was calm. Gulls were calling as they flew by. The salty sea air crept up in Richard's lungs.

As they stood on the bow of the ship in Ryan's favorite spot, they lit a pair of smokes together. ''I never smoked before the war,'' Ryan admitted as he took a heavy drag and exhaled a perfect little whirl of smoke.

''I think most of us didn't, hell I didn't either. I smoked my first one in the boat coming onto Omaha beach. I've never been that scared in my life. I don't know how any of us survived that turkey shoot. You should have seen it, men were going down left and right,''

''That was our fault, we missed the drop-zone, we should have cleared those bunkers hours before you came along,''  
''Nah Ryan it wasn't your fault that the Krauts shot you down, could have happened to anyone,'' Richard joked, despite the fact that the subject wasn't funny in any way.

Ryan sighed deep and gazed dreamy over the water. ''Is there anything more majestic than the ocean? Seriously, where I come from there's only fields and fields of corn and meadows. I never even saw the ocean before I shipped out. I could look at it forever, it calms me. When the memories of the war come back, the water helps me,''

Richard chuckled. ''Um I don't wanna burst your bubble but you do realize that the water is literally _filled_ with sharks and submarines right? Who could blow holes in us at any second. Why do you think the guys are so on edge in this shithole? Troop ships sink all the time, just as supply ships and-''

''Do you _have_ to do that?'' Ryan intervened, looking annoyed.  
''Do what?''

''Kill every good moment with reality?''  
''Sorry, but it's true. The war is nowhere near over Ryan, chances are pretty high of us sinking,''

''Well I guess it's a good thing I have _you_ around don't I?''  
Richard blinked confused. ''What do you mean?''

''Upham said that you're like a lucky charm or something, you never got hit and you're the only guy of your squad who made it out alive. And you saved me, without getting a scratch. You told Sarge that you were born lucky and well I guess I believe you. We _won't_ sink, don't worry,'' Ryan said, sounding completely assured of himself.

Richard cackled. ''You're kidding me right? Are you really that superstitious? Come on man I know you're from a small town and all but-''  
''No Reiben, I totally believe that with you on this boat, we won't be able to be touched by the U-boats,'' Ryan smirked.

''You _are_ joking. You're actually messing with me, I don't think I've _ever_ heard you tell a joke once. I'm-shocked,''  
''Shocked or impressed?'' Ryan asked, grinning.

''More shocked,''  
''You couldn't give me the credit could you?''

''Nope, never,'' Richard snorted. He nudged Ryan's ribs gently and saw a group of soldiers coming up to have a smoke. Probably more victims of a sleepless night. Haunted by the memories of the things they'd seen.

''What were they like? Your brothers,'' Richard asked carefully. He wasn't sure if this was a good subject or not. In fact, Ryan hadn't spoken about them at all over the past few months. Ryan's eyes darkened. ''You don't have to talk about it,'' he added quickly.

''No, it's okay. I should talk about them. To be honest, I've been trying not to think about them too much.  
I was the youngest child, it will be weird to be home in a few weeks and being alone on the ranch with my mom. They were always there, shouting, teasing me and shooting the shit. We were real troublemakers. I pitied my mom for not having any daughters sometimes,'' Ryan said with a small smile.

''What about your dad?''  
''He wasn't around, left right after I was born. We never knew why. Asshole didn't even leave a note,''

''I know what that's like, mine left too after my little sister turned two,'' Richard told him. ''But go on,''

''Dan was my eldest brother, he was a real leader. He took care of us and was sort of a father figure to us.  
Taught me everything I needed to know on the farm, taught me how to hunt, how to skin animals, milk the cows, plough the field. He was caring and loyal.   
Sean was my second brother, he was unique. You remind me of him in a way. He had a real big mouth, but an even bigger heart. He was completely fearless, always the first one to do something new and unexpected.  
He was also the one who would steal donuts for me from the market and sneak them to me.  
We would eat them under my bed, covered by a blanket for protection. Dan would have been furious if he knew, but Sean never told him and neither did I. It was our little secret.  
Sean was the type of guy you would follow to the edge of the world, just because he asked you to and because you wanted to. It was impossible not to love him,'' Ryan said, smiling sadly.

Richard swallowed the stupid question if Ryan loved him as well, and decided to take Mike's words seriously for once and shut his big mouth. Sassy comments would be really inappropriate now.

Ryan swallowed hard. ''Pete, well he was the one that I was closest with. He had two years on me. We did everything together. He was funny, smart and calm. A bit of a goody two-shoes. The mediator who could calm every argument in seconds. Mom would always turn to him for support when she wanted to know something the eldest had done wrong.  
But Pete never ratted on Dan or Sean, he was too smart for that. They would have kicked his ass if he had. We shared a room, liked the same girls, things like that. He was the best one at school out of the four of us. Always got straight A's and all that. I wasn't that good at it, I got picked on a lot.

''I never told my brothers about it but Sean found out when he walked in on me when I was in the shower. He saw the bruises on my body and made me tell him everything. Sean was furious, he wanted to tear the lungs from their bodies.  
He and my other brothers kicked the hell out of those boys the day afterward. They never bothered me again.  
If you jumped me you jumped all of them and there would be repercussions.  
The message spread through the school and I was never bullied by anyone ever again. But I didn't make friends either because most of them were afraid of me and my family from that day on. So I spend most of my days with my brothers,''

''Sounds like you were really close then,'' Richard said unnecessarily. ''Yeah, we w-were. And now it's just me,''  
Richard folded his arm cautiously around Ryan's shoulder, letting his hand rest there. ''I'm sorry,''

''Thanks,'' Ryan's eyes were shining. ''For making me talk about them,''

''No, I mean I'm sorry that I hadn't said that before. I was so worked up over all the things I'd lost that I never once thought what this would be like for you. Losing all your brothers in one blow. I can't even imagine what that's like. I'm really _sorry_ that they died Ryan,''

A heated solitary tear rolled down Ryan's cheek. Richard only now noticed that he hadn't pulled his arm back and to his surprise Ryan actually stepped a little closer to him so that their sides were touching. His head was so close to Richard's now.

They stood there like statues for a long time resting their torso's to the railing. Or maybe it was longer than he thought, Richard wasn't sure of anything anymore. Especially not when Ryan lowered his head onto his shoulder and started crying soft.

Richard curled his arms around him firmly and felt Ryan's tears dampening his jacket. Ryan's arms delved hard into his back, the fingers burning mercilessly into Richard's skin, nearly clawing.

They hadn't hugged like that before, being in a man's arms again made Richard reminisce over when Mike had held him for comfort. How strong he had been and yet cautious not to hurt him. Richard had consoled Ryan during some of his nightmares and held him but not like this.

This was different. More _intimate_ somehow. This felt like a stolen moment in time, one that Richard would often think back to when he would be back home, returned to his old boring life of working in his mother's lingerie store.

A moment that would haunt him for the rest of his life, where he would be wondering what this had meant at the time being.

Maybe he should ask Ryan what it meant, but that thought evaporated in his mind as quickly as it had entered. Don't be stupid dumbass, he likes girls. He just said it. He and his brother liked the same girls! Not boys. Girls.

He shouldn't do stupid things now, it was still a long road home and he didn't want things to get awkward between them again, not now they were finally on friendly territory. Besides, Upham would probably kill him if he had to go back to being mediator due to his stupidity. When Ryan had calmed down, Richard heard himself ask another dumb question. Why couldn't he ever stop himself from spreading trouble? ''You haven't asked me why I ran out on you yesterday,''

Ryan pulled his head back and gazed at him, bemused. ''Why would I need to? I know _why_ you did it,''

Richard blinked, shocked. ''You do?''

''Of course, I came too close. After what happened in Ramelle, you're terrified to let anyone get close to you. If you're never my friend you never have to lose me when we get back home don't you?''

Richard was perplexed. ''You're too smart for your own good, has anyone ever told you that?''

''Sure, my brothers said that _all_ the time,'' Ryan said with a watery smirk. He sniffed hard. ''Fuck, how am I suppose to live without my big brothers? I couldn't even imagine losing one of them, how am I going to live without all three of them?  
I've never been an only child. I never expected to be one. Not with three brothers. When we enlisted I thought about it, for a second-I think all four of us did- that some of us might die, but I never thought-''

''I know, of course you didn't count on this,'' Richard said. He cradled Ryan's cheek with his hand. ''But we got you out, your ma didn't lose you all. We made sure of that,'' 

Richard suddenly recalled his own words when he had screamed at Captain Miller, right after they had lost Wade and Mike nearly shot him. The day Captain Miller had finally revealed the mystery of where he was from and what he did before the war. Richard had shouted, _''I'm sure mama Ryan will be fucking happy that little Jimmy's life was worth two of our own, but then we haven't found him yet have we!''_

''Sure yeah, like I can ever get rid of that guilt, knowing that six guys died to get me back to my mommy. Not only did I lose my brothers, you lost yours and mine also died there in Ramelle. How am I ever suppose to have a normal life after this shit? I will probably drink myself to death in a few years,''

Richard clasped Ryan's head firmly between his hands, holding him steady, gazing him deep into his blue eyes. ''No you won't. I _won't_ let you do that,''

Ryan wrestled himself out of Richard's grasp. ''Fuck you Reiben! You're not the boss of me! Why do you even care, two days ago you still hated me. Don't be a fucking hypocrite now. Me dyin' in none of your fucking business,''

''Christ, this again! I _never_ hated you!''  
''Don't lie to me!''

Richard felt his anger returning inside his chest and wasn't able to stop himself from speaking. He was beyond reason. He knew he shouldn't say anything but staying silent had never been his forte. ''I wasn't lying! But I'm not gonna stand here and watch you destroy yourself, is that what your brothers would have wanted?  
Is that how you will honor their memory? By following them to the grave? They must be _so_ proud of you, their little brother, a sniveling coward,''

Ryan paled and an expression that Richard had never seen before crawled over his ashen face. Pure hatred. No one had ever looked at him like this, the sight of seeing Ryan so filled with fury toward him made him shrink.

Ryan's lower lip was quivering, his breath turning ragged.  
He stepped back and lunged his fist into Richard's stomach. Hard. Richard let out a gasp, but refused to scream. Ryan stomped him again, in his face this time, and again. Richard hit the deck. He felt blood seeping down his cheek.

When he was lying down Ryan kicked him. Once. Twice. Then he suddenly stopped. Rapid footsteps told Richard that he was probably storming off, either that or people were coming toward them to stop him. When he opened his eyes to look, Ryan was indeed gone.

Richard felt his heart breaking. What the fuck had he done? He should have never said that.  
Not after everything Ryan had went through, but he found that he couldn't bear the thought of Ryan dying on him. He wanted him alive. He wanted him in his life. Wanted to move to a farm with Ryan and spent the rest of his days with him.

Holy shit, Richard was only now realizing that he was completely and stupidly in love with Ryan. How had he not realized that before?  
He had known that he had a soft spot for the soft spoken paratrooper for a few days now but after this fight, seeing how he had ripped Ryan's heart from his chest, he learned that it went much deeper than just a soft spot.  
He had literally felt how he had shattered Ryan's spirit during his verbal whirlwind. He was the shittiest person in the world for saying what he had said. Ryan should have beaten him to death.

As he collected himself off the slippery deck, he noticed that his cheeks were wet. Apparently he had been crying without realizing it. It took all of his residual strength to haul himself up and go back to their cabin. He was already dreading stepping back inside.  
Facing Ryan so soon after their fight seemed like a risky thing to do. And yet he wanted to see him, apologize for what he did. His feet made it to the hut but his hands were not moving.

They rested on the door handle and after a while Richard decided that he wasn't ready to go inside yet. He slumped down against the door and sat there, crying. God how he missed Mike right now. He always knew what to say and how to fix him.

He held his sleeve against his cheek to stop the bleeding, but noticed that the blood was coming through the fabric. Richard didn't want to wipe it off, he felt like he had earned every bruise on his body. He had hurt the one guy who he had never wanted to harm.

After another grueling half hour he finally mustered the courage to open the door and face the music. As he peeked carefully into the cabin, he saw Upham's sleeping form lying in his bed. Ryan's bunk however was vacant. Panic rose in his chest.

He stormed to Upham and roughly shook him awake. ''Where's Ryan?!''  
Upham blinked a few times and looked aghast at his injuries. ''Fucking hell, what happened to you?''

''That doesn't matter right now, where the hell is Ryan?''  
''Did you two fight again?''

''Yes, _where_ is he?''

''How should I know? I haven't seen him since you two snuck out hours ago. What's wrong?''

''We need to find him-now!''  
''What did you do?''

''I fucking broke him, okay! I fucked up bad. I need to fix it before he does something-stupid,'' Richard exasperated. His heart was sinking into his stomach. Where the hell was Ryan? In his gut he knew that something was horribly wrong. He had crossed a line and now Ryan was missing.

What if he hurt himself? What if he-no Richard couldn't think that. Ryan wouldn't jump overboard. Right?

He and Upham stormed out of the hut and started searching. Richard had this awful feeling in his heart that he would never see Ryan again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_TBC......_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Richard, what have you done? He should learn how to shut his mouth. 
> 
> What will happen to Ryan now? I'm not even sure yet. I hope you guys liked this chapter, even thought it might hurt a bit to read. I liked including Ryan's brothers a bit. Let me know if you liked it, this story can't survive without feedback and support. Thanks for reading! <3


	4. Stairway to heaven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upham and Richard search for Ryan. 
> 
> Bill and Joe bring incredible news that changes everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for staying away so long, I hope it was worth the wait.

_Midnight_.

 

 

 

Richard and Upham frantically searched through the bowels of the ship in search of Ryan but they struck out everywhere they went. He wasn't in any of the usual places and panic didn't stop eating at Richard's insides.  
What if anything happened to him? What if he hurt himself because of Richard's big fucking mouth? He would never forgive himself if anything were to happen to him. Never.

It would mean that all of his friends had died in vain during their mission. As they made their way to the infirmary to check with Bill and Joe's, Richard kept on seeing the distraught expression on Ryan's face when he had said all those horrible things to him about his brothers.  
What in the holy hell had he been thinking?

They passed the nurse's desk where the elderly, head nurse was sitting at, lulling half asleep so they had easy access. Bill was wide awake in his bed but Joe seemed to be asleep on his stomach, face buried deep in his dirty pillow. ''What are you two doin' here?'' Bill chimed, surprised. Joe stirred a bit in his sleep but didn't wake up. He usually slept like Jackson could, while Bill was often up all night.

''Did you see Ryan? Was he here tonight?'' Richard panted out, as he tried to catch his breath.  
Bill shook his head. ''Nah, why what did ya do to him?''

''Nothing, we just-had an argument and now I can't find him,''

''Judgin' from your face it weren't just an _argument_ Reiben. You look pretty beaten up to me,'' Bill said, conveying him sharp as ever.  
''True, but if he ain't here we gotta go,'' Richard said evasively. They didn't have time to linger.

''Before you go, I need to talk to ya about somethin' important,'' Bill said, but Richard shook his head. ''Whatever it is, it can wait,''  
''If ya say so, but come find me in the mornin' then okay-immediately,''

''Fine, see you later,'' Richard compromised. He and Upham said Bill goodnight and ran off, ignoring the furious reprimand from the nurse who had woken up by their running.

Richard was running out of places to look for him and his despair was growing with each passing minute. ''What do we do now? We looked everywhere,'' Upham exclaimed as they returned from the mess hall after striking out again.  
''I don't know! Fuck,'' Richard stared at the calm water below them and swallowed thick. ''You don't think he-'' his eyes darted to the sea and he couldn't bring himself to say the last word of the sentence but Upham understood. ''You really think he would do that?''

''How should I know? I did take it _way_ too far, but I hope he wouldn't do that to us-or his ma,''  
''Maybe he just needed some time to cool off and went back to our cabin. We may be worried over nothing,'' Upham rationalized.

''No Upham, you didn't see him in the state that I did. He was different. Push anything too far and eventually it will break. I broke it. Him. What do we tell his ma if he actually-''

Upham placed a hand to Richard's shoulder. ''Hey you can't talk like that, we don't have all the information yet. If he would have jumped someone would have called out to say man overboard. These decks are being watched for that remember? He didn't jump. He's just hiding somewhere, I'm sure of it. He'll come back as long as we give him some room,''

''You think so?''

''I know it,'' Upham said, with an innate strength and certainty that Richard needed to hear. It reminded him of how balanced and strong captain Miller had been. ''I wonder if he knew,'' Richard mused as they walked back to their hut.

Upham raised a questioning eyebrow. ''If who knew what?''

''Captain Miller, I wonder if he knew just how much you learned from him during your time with us. You've clearly watched him closely, studied his leadership well. He liked you, you know?''

''He did?''  
''Hmm it was nice for him to have another intelligent, lettered man with us. I could tell. He valued you, even if we didn't,''

''Thanks,'' Upham snorted, semi sarcastic, semi flattered.  
''All of us liked you, eventually,''

''Even you?'' Upham dared to ask. Richard smirked at him, the corners of his mouth curling wider. ''Of course, I liked you from the start. Mike did too. Fish didn't really trust ya at first but he became very fond of you-I think it happened right after Wade passed-and well Jackson. He liked everyone, so don't think you're special,''

''He was a good guy, they all were. Serving on this mission was the best and worst experience of my life,'' Upham admitted, face a tad ashen now. It was a peculiar statement, one that suited him, but Richard knew precisely what he meant.

''Yeah, me too,'' he agreed.  
''He was right you know,'' Upham said suddenly. Richard halted in his step. ''Who?''

''Fish, he was right to mistrust me. I did get him killed. My incompetence and cowardice cost him his life,''  
Ricard's heart sank into his stomach. ''Not this again. Tim you _didn't_ get him killed!''

Upham's brown eyes widened. ''You never called me Tim before,''  
''Sorry, do you prefer Timothy?''

''No, my friends call me Tim, it just surprised me that's all,''  
''You have friends?'' Richard asked, if only to lighten the mood by teasing him a bit. Upham smirked slyly at him. ''I do actually, do you?''

''Touche. But seriously, you can't let Fish's death haunt you to your grave. He wouldn't want you to,''

''Well I'm sure he didn't want to _die_ either and he didn't have to. If I brought him the ammo he needed, he would be alive right now and you know it.  
I heard that son of a bitch Kraut squeeze the life out of him while I was stuck to the stairs, crying.  
Every night when I close my eyes I hear his screams Reiben, every fucking night.  
I hear him calling out my name, begging me to help, to bring him what he needed to live-and every night I feel myself sticking to that fucking stairs as if they were laced with velcro.  
I _couldn't_ move Reiben, I tried to, really, I knew I had to and I wanted to- but I couldn't,'' Upham wiped a tear from his eyes and sighed deep. ''Afterwards that monster just passed me on the stairs, blood smeared over his uniform that I knew was _his_. He didn't even look at me. Ignoring me made me feel even more like a coward. I wasn't even worth it to shoot. I sat there until sarge found me and dragged me toward the bridge. He probably saved my life by getting me out of that house,''

''You never talked about all that,'' Richard noted, unsure of what to say. There was nothing he could say to ever ease the guilt that Upham was feeling over Fish's death.

''How could I? He was _your_ friend, your brother and I cost him his life. And corporal Henderson too. I was afraid that you would never forgive me if I told you the whole story, I know I wouldn't either if roles were reversed. It should have been me, not them.  
If I had handed them the ammo, the Kraut would have seen me downstairs and shot me, to be killed by them in retaliation. That's how it should have went. But instead I lived and two men died thanks to my incompetence. You know that Kraut the captain released because of my begging?''

Richard nodded. Of course, how could he forget what had happened after Wade's tragic death. He still heard Mike's words echoing in his ears.

''He was the one who shot captain Miller on the bridge. I saw it happen, when I was stuck on the German side of the town.  
All of you had left for the Alamo. I was alone behind enemy lines and sure I would die. At that point I no longer cared about it. Then I saw that son of a bitch shoot the captain. I stood up after the bombing and put my rifle on his squad.  
He even dared to say my name. So I shot him, point blank. I felt good when I did that. So not only did I get Fish and Henderson killed, I practically killed the captain too. By not letting you kill him, I allowed that son of a bitch to live and shoot him,''

Richard hauled Upham closer as he tried to deal with that blow as well as he could. He felt bad for Upham that he had been living with this chip on his shoulders. ''Hey listen to me: if he hadn't shot the captain the man beside him would have. He was an easy target all right? Another would have shot him. No one is blaming you for it, no one. You need to forgive yourself. Hell _I_ _forgive_ _you_ all right? If that helps,''

''It does, strangely it does,'' Upham choked out as he buried his face against Richard's shoulder.  
He folded his arms around the shaking corporal in his arms and stroked his back as gentle as he could. Hearing all this had been a significant blow but right now the fear over possibly losing Ryan was clouding all of his rational judgement. He had to find him- _now_.

''It's going to be okay, and I want to talk about this more with you later, but right now we need to focus on finding Ryan. We can't afford to lose any more of us okay?''  
''You really care about him don't you?''

Richard hesitated brief and then shrugged. ''Sure, but I care about you too,''  
Upham shook his head wisely. ''Not like that,'' he pointed out.

''Shut up will you,''

They opened the door to the hut and to their shock saw Ryan lying on his bunk with his back turned to the door, clasping onto a bottle of Scotch that Richard recognized as one of his.  
Despite the tremendous relief he felt coursing through his system, the main emotion that erupted in his chest was deep seethed rage.

He had been so convinced that something horrible would have happened to Ryan that the alternative of him lying here, unharmed and seemingly drunk infuriated him. This option hadn't been in his mind, he would have never thought that Ryan would return to the cabin by himself and would be unscathed to top it off.  
He had been sure that he had lost Ryan too.  
But the opposite was apparently true, for it was lying there drunk and ignoring him. But when Upham slammed the door shut Richard saw Ryan's body tremble.

He couldn't stop the words from erupting out of his mouth if someone would have paid him a million dollars to keep quiet. ''Where the fuck have you been hiding! Do you know how worried we were! Look at me!''

Ryan turned around on his bunk and gasped when he saw Richard's state. His mangled face clearly startled him. The result of his own anger displayed in front of him seemed to appall Ryan, something that made Richard feel a little better.  
To see some remorse on Ryan's face, even though he knew he had deserved every punch. Richard stormed toward him and fisted his shirt into his hands, bringing himself closer to Ryan so that they're noses were almost brushing together. ''We thought you'd jumped ship or something stupid like that,'' he hissed, hearing the repressed intensity in his voice.

''I'm sorry,'' Ryan choked out. His eyes were red from crying and he looked absolutely miserable. His breath smelled bitter like the Scotch he still clutched in his right hand, ''I thought about it-just for a second. Already had my legs over the railing.  
But then I thought of my ma and knew she would kill me if I did something so stupid. Not to mention my brothers, who would kick my ass if I would see them again in heaven-or your guys, if they'd found me. So I released the railing and hid in one of the barges until I felt better. Then I came back,''

''Upham can you give us a second?'' Richard asked when he released Ryan from his death grip. But to his amazement Upham refused. ''No, not a chance in hell,''  
''Why not?''

''Every time that I do one of you idiots ends up getting beaten up or hurt in some other way. I'm getting pretty sick of constantly picking up your pieces honestly. So no, whatever you want to discuss, you'll have to do it with me present. I'm tired of being your bloody, underpaid peacekeeper,''

''But it's uh sort of private-'' Richard protested but Ryan cut him off. ''Let him stay,''  
''What?''

''Let him stay, he's right. Left to each other's devices we keep...hurting each other. Maybe we need him more than we give him credit for,'' Ryan's voice was wobbly and hoarse due to the alcohol.

He doesn't want to be alone with me, Richard thought bitterly. He doesn't trust me not to say anything offensive, and why should he? You always hurt him, even when you try to avoid it-especially when you try to avoid it. Maybe he has the right idea, hiding behind Upham.

''Fine, but you gotta give me the bottle-thanks for stealing it by the way- you've had enough to drink tonight,'' Richard debated.  
Ryan agreed and handed him the bottle, that Richard quickly placed back into his-not so secret-stash under his mattress. Apparently Ryan had known about the location, so Upham probably did too.  
In hindsight he should have hid his stuff with Bill and Joe, they would have never looked for it there. Maybe he would bring it to them tomorrow. Or maybe he should learn how to share. That had never been his best feature.

Richard took a sip of his canteen to ease his dry throat and sank on the bunk besides Ryan, nudging his knee against his as a sort of apology. ''I'm sorry-for everything I said. I was way out of line,''

''Yeah you were, but you were also right,'' Ryan quipped. He sniffed deep and exhaled a large puff of air. ''My brothers wouldn't want me to self destruct like that. I have to live to honor their memory. When I stood on the railing my whole life was flashing before my eyes.  
I was so tired, so angry, so afraid. I just wanted it all to stop. But then the last image I saw was of my mother and I knew how it would break her heart to lose me too. I couldn't leave her childless.  
Not voluntarily. My brothers died because the war killed them, I couldn't kill myself just because I was tired and depressed,''

''Maybe you should go talk to someone,'' Upham suggested. Richard had nearly forgotten he was there too. ''Like a shrink or a doctor, they have those here. Most of the men here have PTSD,''

Ryan shook his head wearily. ''Nah I don't wanna talk to some stranger about all this,''  
''Talk to Bill then, he's a great listener and a wise man,'' Richard proposed.

Ryan stroked his fingers together, looking pensive. ''That's not a bad idea actually,''  
''Of course not, it was mine,'' Richard attempted to grin but he cringed when he remembered that his face was all mangled up, he was only now noticing that his entire uniform was smeared with his own blood.

Ryan's fingers darted up and stroked over his bruises and bloody lip. Richard quivered heavily.

''I'm sorry, for doing that to you. You're bleeding again,'' Ryan said. He placed a clean handkerchief to Richard's lip and held his warm hand there on the side of his face.  
It was a tender moment, one that Richard would long remember afterward.

It made Richard recall the time that Mike had beaten him up after a friendly boxing match once, only to tend to his wounds two seconds afterward, filled with regret over how hard he had hit Richard without wanting to.  
Afterward Mike had told him that he loved him for the first time. A statement that completely knocked the air out of Richard's belief system. He had been too stunned to say anything in return and luckily didn't have to for they were interrupted by Jackson passing by for a smoke and a joke.

Richard only now realized that he had never said it back to Mike, nor had Mike ever repeated it, so maybe Richard had imagined it. But deep down he knew he hadn't. It hurt him to know that Mike had died not knowing how much Richard had loved him in return.

He wanted to thank Ryan for his kindness but for once, he was completely stunted into silence by the sheer intensity of the memories and the moment itself.  
Ryan wasn't the only one who was tired. Richard had been frantically holding himself together for what felt like ages, trying not to fall apart for them.  
But now, Richard was falling to pieces.  
Overly exhausted from being the strong, stable one all the time. He couldn't do it anymore. All the pain over losing his squad, over losing Mike, it was all coming back to him now, coming to tear him in half.

He felt the tears stream down his cheeks before he could stop himself. Upham was sitting to his other side within seconds and both of them held onto him firmly as Richard wept and wept like a little boy.  
He was grateful for their silence. His head was lulling onto Ryan's shoulder and Upham's hand rested onto his. They had him sandwiched in between them and surprisingly it helped a little. He felt his heart become less heavy and torn thanks to them.

When he was all cried out, they each hugged him separately and without saying another word, all three of them went to sleep. Richard slept sound that night, but Mike was haunting his dreams again.  
When he awoke, he remembered that Bill had wanted to discuss something with him, so before dawn he snuck out to the infirmary to see his friends.

Bill was already up as Richard knew he would be, and so was Joe.  
Joe was writing a letter to a friend and Bill was reading a comic book. He had a guarded expression in his eyes when he saw Richard. ''Mornin' fella,''

''Good morning guys,''

''Sit,'' Bill ordered. There was no smile on his face, no boyish twinkle residing in his eyes. He was more serious than Richard had ever seen him. Joe put the letter down and folded his arms together apprehensively.

Richard sat down on Bill's bunk and waited. ''Okay, so we gotta tell you somethin' but we don't know for sure if it's true okay? It's just a rumor that's been floating 'round here,'' Bill started. Were those nerves that Richard detected? It was hard to imagine. ''The docs have been whispering about it for a while now. They call him their miracle patient when they think we ain't listening. Said that he shouldn't have been alive, everyone around him thought he was dead,''

Richard stared at both of them, confounded. ''Okay, and what does that have to do with me?''  
Bill fell silent and Joe took over. ''They found him at Ramelle, he's one of _yours_ ,''

Richard felt as if he'd been hit with a giant anvil. His chest seemed to crumble under him. ''What? That's impossible, all my guys are dead. Who was it? A paratrooper?''

Joe shook his head. ''Doc said his name was Horvath, Mike Horvath,''

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_TBC........_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg Mike is alive? I've been playing with that idea in my head for a while now and I don't care if it's not realistic. I want him alive. Not only to spice things up a bit, but also because his death just shattered me in the movie.  
> So I hope you guys are glad he's still alive. I wonder what will happen with Richard and Ryan now. 
> 
> Who are you rooting for as a couple? Let me know. I hope you liked it. Thanks for reading and for your support. <3

**Author's Note:**

> So let me know what you think. I'm super curious to hear your thoughts.


End file.
